Becoming Like Clay

It's difficult right now to make an assessment of my spiritual life. During those many months of darkness which pretty much consumed the second half of last year, a darkness that was a combination I believe of psychological depression and spiritual darkness, I felt so distant from God and there was no fire within me, no fervent longing for God. My prayer life diminished completely and I found myself turning more and more towards sin, various sins of carnality, so as to find some way to simply feel something.

Finally towards the end of last year I began to life out of the darkness. Meeting with the psychologist and with my spiritual director on a regular basis helped immensely. I also believe I discovered a physical cause of my depression, namely my Celiac disease, which requires me to be on a strict gluten-free diet and on which I had cheated with increasing frequency. One of the common side-effects of people suffering from Celiac who are not maintaining a gluten-free diet is depression and irritability, lethargy, and lack of motivation. So towards the end of the year I got strict again about eating gluten-free, and it was at that time that my darkness began to lift.

Since then I have been slowly improving my prayer life again, though I have not gotten back to where it once was. Right now I find myself at an interesting place, spiritually. The fervor of spirit is returning, and I find myself more and more in love with God, seeking out His will with more determination, and the glowing embers of worship when I pray the Mass are being stoked into a greater fire each Mass I attend. At the same time, there is something tenuous about this foundation, and I know that I must now be more vigilant than ever, because while if I continue to rely on God's grace and build this up, I could finally have the foundation built on rock for which I have longed, but I am equally aware of how easy it will be for me to turn away from the Rock once again and sink into the quicksand of despair.

This upcoming semester will be an important one for me for several reasons. One, at least one of the courses I am taking, my graduate theology course on St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, has the potential of helping me build this foundation of prayer in a way unlike any course I have ever taken. That I will be studying these two great contemplatives during the upcoming Lenten season could serve as a beautiful spiritual gift for me. Two, my discernment is in high gear once again, and as my depression has lifted some things have been coming into greater focus. I hope to have this figured out to some greater and more concrete degree by the end of the semester. Three, being at school provides me with a wealth of spiritual resources, including easier access to the Sacraments, greater opportunities to participate in the Church in ways that build me up and allow me to help build up others, and just simply access to my spiritual director as well as the many Augustinians at Villanova who are always willing to talk to me about anything on my mind, and who encourage me daily in my discernment and in my walk with Christ. Finally, Dead Man Walking will now enter into high gear with rehearsals, and we will finally perform in February, and I will eventually meet Sr. Helen and perform for her, and this entire experience has already had a profound transformative effect on me, and I pray it will continue to do so.

I suppose that with all that in mind I can say that my heart indeed is filled with hope right now. I have so much work to do, and God has so much work to do in me, but it seems like right now I am moving in the right direction, I am beginning to become what God desires of me, and I am finally (again) allowing myself to be clay in the potter's hands. Thanks be to God.